Leaning to fly

Since a few days I've been wondering what to write....its not that I was particularly occupied.....it took a little time for me to settle into a new schedule when college started after such a long and nice extended vacation....so the first 2 weeks are a valid alibi...
anyway...some sort of boredom worse than a tragedy (seriously) has struck me....and my brain has locked itself in to detach and hibernate.....atleast thats what my jaded thoughts imply.....
I had a great thing going on in college...as a fresher into a new year...u should know that I tend to go overboard with excitement when good things are happening....so alot of fervency exuded my aura....It was smooth sailing...or well almost....until my friend had this sudden itch to visit a counsellor...for our further studies abroad.....she was prodded by a friend's mom...a guy she has a crush on to be specific.....who suggested she visit a counsellor...whose a family friend n all that....u knw when ur at the peak of infatuation u are also at the peak of baseless eccentricities....anyway I am gonna get to the end of the story...she's going to the US in December....Yeah the counsellor quite evidently did a fine job....she dumped him though....I mean she has switched to another one now...I just got some sadistic pleasure to mention it....
My point is.....all this was so sudden for me....an excellent reason for me to totally flip out...that I started researching for my masters full throttle....and somewhere along the way.....while doing that....I realised that I just needed a reason to feel this way....
Everyone around me...my age...has started working or is looking for jobs....and that has had a drastically daunting effect on me....the feeling of being financially independent is underestimated....it means alot....because it signifies alot of the things that matter most....my parents' expectations...my goals....my future aspirations...so its heavy baggage...but I felt guilty for feeling that way...coz ur supposed to be happy for your friends when they take the first step into their career....so I kept pushing it aside....
And now that my friend is all set to go abroad...I finally had a healthy reason for my insecurity....It's like an outlet for me...Im feeling the pressure of uncertainty....which is why I am so broody these days...
medical studies take sooooooooo long to get done with....although I know, when I finally get started, it'l be more fruitful than it probably deserves to be...but right now..watching so many changes in everyone's career....is only making me more restless......its like Im still a step behind...
Im sorta running low on self-esteem....hate the fact that Im not working hard enough in my professional or personal life.....
Anyway I know its just a phase which will pass very soon...and I'll be back to my irritatingly perky and optimistic self..
The fact is that.....

I keep hitting myself with a hammer......because it feels really good when I stop.....




30. Independence to me...means...being the master of my own destiny....